Everyday I wake up at 3 o'clock in the morning.

Something is happening.

Salander/Blomkvist

Sleeping disorders

Last night, my sleeping disorders took me into a different level of action in real life being at the same time unconcious. In other words, what it means to me, is that I am driving myself a little nuts.


Everyday I wake up at 5:00 am to get to work, it means I must go to bed at a decent hours, wich I barely do. Last night, for instance, I went to sleep after midnight.
I remember vaguely that I get up rapidly;  showered, put my clothes on, I ordered my papers, check the money and ID's. I have all calculated for 30 mins. 38 mins. tops. That morning before leaving the appartment I wanted to check if I was on time, almost at the door I took my movil, I pressed the green call button and * at the same time and I saw the time: 3:31 am I nervously smiled and said to myself -so weird, the time on my phone changed-.
I leant out of the window and I found a very quiet and lonely avenue; I checked the time again: 3:32 am my heart jumped - this can't be happening- I said to myself- I left my suitcase almost at the door, I ran to the appartment's phone and dialed 030 to verify the exact time; the machine corroborated my fears 3:33 am How was that even possible? What happened? I immediately hung up and ran to my bedroom, I jumped to bed trying to use the little time left before 5:00 am, I even left my boots and tie on, I just wanted to left myself go, just wanted to sleep and take the most of the time left.

I tried to sleep, but many questions were shaking my mind and stressing me; I was trying to remember, and now I recall a very imprtant detail; I actually never heard any alarm clock. Why did I wake up? I took my phone and check the settings of the clock, it was set at 05:00 am, it was not a configuration mistake. I can't really place what I was thinking when I decided to actually get up, I just remember when I was already in the bathroom... I never saw the time; I just jumped off the bed in a semi unconcious state. 10 mins. later I got back to sleep.
The alarm clock rang punctually at 05:00 am. I felt really tired, my eyes were burning and I could barely string together my thoughts; I washed my face. I was feeling like if the first time I got up, I'd had lived a terrible day that was at that the time, lost from my memories, like if I couldn't remember anything, but it was indeed feeling terribly heavy on my eyelids.

I still do not understand how's that I woke up at an exact hour, 03:00 am, why did I get up without any alarm? without watching the time? I feel that my nervous system is teetering, I find myself hanging by a thread. There's no doubt, I need to get my Tranxilium again.

NeneLove

"I can tell that you're in touch with your femenine side, oh!"

Nicki Minaj. Super Bass.

"That's the kind of dude I was lookin´ for

and yes you'll get slapped if you're lookin' ho."

Nicki Minaj. Super bass.

Are you stabbing me?

 or just looking for my heart?

Brontis Jodorowsky

"Even if you say a thousand times the word honey,

your mouth is never going to turn sweet."

Alejandro Jodorowsky

"The fact that I can resist, does not mean it does not hurt."

Unkown

I am sad, from my sadness only ilusions and memories pour. My spirit goes lighter and fades away but does not abandon me, I feel as light as a ghost.

Air, space, nothing, me.

I perceive the world as tremendously big and I feel very small, so very small that I'm invisible. The warmth of my heart is not enough. What is a single tear shed in the ocean?

A heart that beats hard, shaking hands, unstopable legs: Anxiety.

Only the ever compasionate Universe comforts me and I pray. I repeat and repeat the mantra that appeases me; however my body fights violently: I cannot breath and I only want to die. Rapidly or slowly I just want to die now. The clamour of a diying son is heard by the Father and chaos gives up little by little and I can breath again, the steed pulled by my heart slows down, then the calm is back. Serenity.
What is beauty if it's untouchable?
The deepest despair comes from a love that is bulky and unwanted.

Like a cannonball falls into the very bottom of the sea, like the biggest and most shiny of the diamonds falls into the depths, an unwanted heart hits the ground as well.

Now I am floating among the vacuity with a stronger need of closing my eyes; I can only feel my own tears gathering under a mask that covers my real face wich is made of glass.
The deadline is today and the doors are open for darkness to enter; with it, more questions arrive. I opened my eyes and I saw nothing, there was no one, I stretched out my arms and I could feel only  air. The darkness was so severe that I couldn´t see my own arms in front of me, I tried to touch my face but I found nothing: I emptied myself away.

The city's lights shine like stars in the firmament, I see everything backwards because I am upside down floating in the clouds. People in the streets are like angels and trees like clouds;  I see the infinite behind me as the mother earth where we all come from and where I am heading to; as a matter of fact is calling me now: comming for me tonight, is the very encounter with the all absolute itself.

 

NeneLove

 

Blue?

Francis of Assisi and the wolf.

"My cat usually licks my beard: he's an animal and perceives me like an animal : we only see in others what we are."
Alejandro Jodorowsky
*Translated by NeneLove

"I have to silence the voice of my father yelling: life is hard!
I love him but I believed him."
NeneLove.

"...I'll give you my mouth if you give me your chest, I'll give you a kiss if you caress me. I'll give you my semen if you give me your saliva. Or after all, a law of Talion: an eye for an eye, a lip for a lip, a moan for a moan."

Fernando del Paso
*Translated by NeneLove

"Do not spend everything you have, do not believe everything you hear, do not say everything you know."
Unknown.
*Translated by NeneLove

"You romantic one, be careful with the limits of your mind, a bird in a cage dreams with the sky."
Alejandro Jodorowsky.

*Translated by NeneLove

"The biggest weakness is accepting and being what others want you to be, repressing who you really are."
Alejandro Jodorowsky.
*Translated  by NeneLove.

"I beg God for punishment, so I can go to shed my tears in the thirsty land."
Alejandro Jodorowsky.

*Translated by NeneLove

"I cannot be created nor destroyed....I can only be transformed."
Anais Ferrer
*Translated by NeneLove

"There is no diligence or wisdom that could prevent what is ordered by heaven."
Cervantes
*Translated by NeneLove

"Special friends"

"The talk"

"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death."

Song of the songs 8,6

"Suffering is not what makes a man grow, in fact, is the man who provides a meaning to that suffering."
José Benigno Freire
*Translated by NeneLove

Castles

Once upon a time in a honey made country 

with vermillion roofs.

A place where I was the queen and he was the king

It was a love story kingdom.

My transparent magical castle

was shining under the sun.

There was a cruel storm after

and the castle in the air fell.
And it was open at my feet, with the light from a great bolt

the abyss from his heart.

Then I could see who he really was

and what I saw just destroyed me.

My king was a monster made of stones

with a heart made of stones.

He broke my dreams with stones.

I was once that loyal and faithful one

who believed those love stories.

But I payed a lot for my foolishness.

I do not even dare to dream again.

I do not want more castles in the air

With merciless kings that hurt.

My king was a monster made of stones

with a heart made of stones.

His love was always a lie

castles transformed  into ruins now.

*Taken from the song "Castillos".
Translated by NeneLove.

You don't need me, that I know;
not now, not tomorrow it's always been like this.
I had kept some words,
they will stay long time inside of me.
You don't need me, not before not after.
You feel nothing, it's really sad to know.

*Taken from the song "ya no te hago falta."
Translated by NeneLove.

"Sometimes you expect things from people just because you think they will do as you would."

"Something rare happens fighting in the war of love; who shoots the first is the one who dies the first."

Coffe in Paris

*Translated from french.

A night up

1:30 AM - You do not feel Loneliness very hard, but you feel the rage because you need someone to be well.

2:37 AM - Grief, desperation and sleepy.

3:02 AM - Sadness and sleepy.

4:07 AM - The sleep is gone; silence overwhelms.

4:30 AM - There's no hope anymore, it's better to try to get some sleep.

1:30 Pm - Sleepy, hungry and resentment.

"Our big mistake is try to get specific virtues in each one, virtues that particularly does not have."
Hadrian from: "Memoirs of Hadrian" by Marguerite Yourcenar.
Translation: NeneLove.

"I dedicate one thought of each two, on my own end."
Hadrian, from "Memoirs of Hadrian" by Marguerite Yourcenar.
Translation: NeneLove.

"Im gonna drink the poison for you to die."
NeneLove.

"Everything you hate is what you are."

"When you think of death as a liberation, you have been living your life like a slave."